I ain't lyin'

For years now, I have made comments to Josh about how I do not like the colored M&Ms; I prefer the brown ones. I'm okay with the yellow, orange, red and green, but there should be no blue M&Ms. Do you remember the old-school M&Ms? They used to have the tan colored ones, and now that I think about it, were there even green ones then?

Anyway, I have always declared that I can taste the difference and Josh quickly dismisses my comments, "Whatever, they are all the same," he says.

"No, they're not!" I declare. "Food is not supposed to be bright blue. I can taste the difference." Is a conversation we have had more than once.

In an effort to completely procrastinate from grading 150 hand written tests, I thought I would make use of my time by designing my own experiment (I am a scientist, after all).

I took out a yellow, orange, green blue and brown M&M from my stash. I took 5 sticky notes and wrote those colors down, one on each. I wrapped each M&M in its rightful sticky note and shuffled them around. I took a sticky note cluster and, without looking, unwrapped it and ate the M&M. While I thoughtfully tasted each, I blindly wrote down a number on the sticky note, in the order that I ate each. Then, I tucked each sticky note in a drawer, so I wouldn't accidentally see which colors I had already eaten. After I carefully observed the taste of each M&M, I made a prediction of what each M&M color might be.

My notes were as follows:
1--yellow or green
2--orange or yellow
3--brown or yellow
4-- BLUE!
5--could be brown

I was excited to see my own results. I took my sticky notes out of the drawer and sorted through them numerically. I was actually quite surprised!

My results are as follows:
1--green
2--orange
3--yellow
4--blue
5--brown

I could hardly believe that what I actually claimed was right. I knew without a doubt the blue one, but was surprised about the other four as well. I am anxious to try my experiment again to see how accurate I really am.

Negativity Detox

I can't seem to shake the funk I am in. It is a combination of work, home life and my own personal grumpiness that is weighing me down (figuratively and literally). I need a negativity detox program to save me. It's not that I want to feel this way, obviously, but I typically don't have this problem for this long. I feel creatively tapped, so planning for work seems like an impossible task. I am not motivated to workout like normal, so I miss my typical endorphin rush. I feel sad when I don't get to see my kids much each day and then I am frustrated when they are crabby. Sadly, my lack of motivation has not had a negative effect on my appetite, so this only exaggerates one of my issues. I wish I could take Kelli's new quote and "just build a bridge and get over it" but I can't seem to maneuver around this at the moment.

30's just a number

I can always rely on my wonderful husband to remind me that I am quickly approaching 30. I only have minutes to go! I, then, remind him that I can never catch up to him.

As this milestone in age approaches, I tell myself that 30 is just a number. It really is just that to me. I don't feel any older, although I am sure I look older. I haven't had any parents complaining yet about how young and inexperienced I must be because I look so young. Instead of feeling another year older, I think I will just remark on how much more experienced I am. I know that in the last year alone I have grown so much. I know that I became much wiser (maybe not in the ways of grammar...is "wiser" a word?) in the past 9 months. I feel more confident and accomplished...or maybe that is what 30 just feels like??

I have always been the "oldest" child in terms of actions in my family, even though I am the 3rd of four children. Perhaps this assumed role has helped me to gain the perspective that 30 truly is just a number, and that you are only as old as you feel. Maybe I can keep that as my personal motto...through my 30's, at least.

Happy birthday to me.

Recent weeks

Joslynn started preschool (one night a week) and is really excited about it. It is so hard to believe she is getting so old so fast. She was so cute at school the other night. I love the innocence and wonder that she has at this age.
Rowan just turned 5 months the other day. He has been eating cereal, veggies and fruit for several weeks now. He is incredibly strong and rolls over all the time and can really lift his head off the floor to look around when he is on his tummy. He is super happy and loves his brother and sister so much; they make him laugh and smile constantly. This picture is typical--a big smile on his face.
Rowan mistook my hand for his lunch. He was really hungry! He is a pretty big eater. When he wants food, there is no time to delay!
Joslynn is pretty tall for her age, but when these two laid down next to each other it was interesting to see how tall he is already! My two blue-eyed children.
Jackson was not so cooperative when we wanted to get a picture, thus, the crabby face. Rowan may pass him soon in the height department. Even though Jackson is moody and throws his fits, he is very kind and gentle with his little bro.

I mentioned on facebook a few weeks ago that I am acutely aware of some of these recent milestones with Rowan. I don't know if it is because I know he is our last baby and I am sad to see some of this time fly by, or if maybe my kids are just getting to that age where everything is in hyper-drive and we just can't keep up. All I know is, my kids are growing up so quickly! I am certainly enjoying it, especially seeing them with one another. Those are my favorite moments.

4 months

My baby boy is already 4 months old. Oh, how time has flown by. His big sis just adores him.
He can kind of sit up on his own, when he is propped against something, but he will fall forward after a while.

Here is the sleepy little man. Look at those cute puffy cheeks!

Clever boy

Yesterday we had an appointment at Gillette's for a continuation of the research study that Jackson is participating in. It is a 2 hour session of standardized questions and observations on the part of a physical therapist. It is interesting and entertaining to see Jackson interact with her, make her laugh and, also, impress us all with his clever antics. One part, in particular, was just hilarious.

Janie, the PT, was asking Jackson some questions. She said, "Jackson, if I were playing in the mud, I would be...." she looks to him to finish the statement. "A pig!" Jackson replies excitedly. We all break into laughter and Jackson's smile is from ear to ear showing his pleasure in making everyone else laugh. Undoubtedly, Janie was looking for something more like "dirty" as a response, however she agreed that he was not at all incorrect, so she thought she would try another one.

Janie: "Jackson, if I were playing outside in the winter and didn't have a coat on, I would be...."

I could see it coming and held back my laughter...

Jackson: "A snowman!!!"

Again, laughter enveloped the room and we joked about his candor. This kid sure can make us laugh.

Jackson's 3rd Birthday

Okay, I know...I am super late with this post considering Jackson turned 3 weeks ago, although in my defense, we couldn't have his birthday party until the following week and then of course I will fall back on the old "life got busy" excuse. Better late than never, right?

In the picture above, Jackson is being shy as we sing to him (which is the same thing he did when the Applebee's people did it). It was that horridly humid day (July 17th) when we had his party and my lens on the camera fogged up because of the extreme temperature difference between my camera and the outside.

This is Jackson's favorite new toy. He calls it the "garbage can" even though it is a garbage truck. It is pretty cute watching him put stuff in the mini garbage can and dump it in.

This is the birthday boy posing with his earthworm cupcakes. They were quite a hit!

Jackson's new wheels. We searched and searched to find the right ride for our little man. It is pretty cool. He has a little basket in front, the dump bucket in back and even a little zipper backpack on the back of his seat. Equipped with steering for mom or dad and a flip down foot rest for Jackson when he gets tired...this bad boy is decked out! Oh, and we got him the old style bell. It's so cute when he rings it.

I still cannot believe that he is 3 years old already. My babies are growing up too fast.

Emotions

Saturated...is how I feel with different emotions right now. I am not sure where they are all coming from, but I can definitely feel all swarming me from all directions.

Pissed-off...at myself for my poor eating habits and for not working out today.

Nervous...about all the impending BIG decisions related to the land and house that we have to make very soon.

Overwhelmed...with all of the new information and strategies that I feel I need to implement this year at work.

Sad...I missed my babies today. I know I have more time with them yet, but today just really made me sad about school approaching. I'm not ready to go back yet.

Excited...to learn more at my workshop this week.

Terrified...about the national debt situation. What will this mean for our country? What kind of future will my children have?

Torn...between two very nice, yet very different plots of land. We don't know what to do and this is such a huge decision.

Frumpy...is the way I feel tonight. I snacked on all the wrong things, and am sitting here feeling a little disgusted with myself right now.

Trapped...in this tiny apartment. I hate not having a yard, or walls that belong only to us.

Lonely...is how I get every once in a while when everyone else is in bed and I am working or sitting alone. They are all in the next rooms, but I just want to crawl in bed with all of them and snuggle.

Rushed...to finish my next set of classes. August 15th is quickly approaching and I have much to do.

Happy...that tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I'll have the wisdom, strength, courage and motivation to tackle the challenges I didn't before and to make it through the day with a lot more positive feelings by the time my head hits the pillow.

One more year

Dear Jackson,

Three years ago, you were quite reluctant to come out. You refused to come on your own, so at 41 weeks pregnant, the doc induced me. After a tough labor, and delivery, my 9 pound 2 ounce mini-man was here with a head full of black hair and incredible dark eyes. Since that day, you have graced us with your sweet nature, endless hugs and snuggles (I hope they never end) and the cutest little smile, and giggle I have ever seen or heard. Thank you so much for being the sweetest little man a mama could ask for. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mommy

Random thoughts of the day

Here are a few random things that are on my mind that I felt like mentioning...

• I am taking the plunge and am committing to 12 credits this summer. I now have factual evidence of my own insanity. I registered for them and they need to be completed by Aug. 15th. Yikes!
  
• I am trying Zumba...and I like it!
• Gave Josh a haircut last night. It looks great. I could be a barber if everyone wanted his cut.
  
• I peeled off my beautiful nail polish from the wedding and I miss how pretty my nails looked. It makes me feel really superficial.
• I am super excited for Jackson's birthday gift to come in the mail...we'll take pictures on Sunday (his birthday). I hope it is here on time...unlike my zumba videos that were delivered a week late!
• I am just waiting for Rowan to laugh. He smiles like a kid in a candy store but we can't figure out what to do to give him that extra boost toward laughter. He is just so dang cute.
• Eye doc appointment today...wondering if maybe he/she can retest my eyes and see if I can wear contacts. I am so sick of glasses.

Are those not the most random thoughts? I guess I need any excuse to take a break from my very dry reading material.

A day of posts

Today seems to be the day that everyone else is updating their blog, must be the new month, so I figured I need to follow suit. I was reading TelegaWoman's blog and had some serious list envy, so to make myself feel better, I thought I would just list the random things I have done so far this summer since I didn't make a 'To-do' list. Some of them are much more trivial than others, but many are fun summer milestones.

These items have all taken place since June 1st.

• Started dieting (really)
• Exercised at least 5 days a week. Typically 6, but sometimes I find an excuse to get that 2nd day off. It turned out to be 24 of 30 days in June.
  
• Changed 100's of diapers
• Got a manicure and pedicure
• Went to a bachelorette party
  
• Was a bridesmaid
  
• Danced for about 2 hours on three separate occasions
• Got drunk once, buzzed twice...same dancing occasions as above
• Got a spray on tan (I would NOT recommend it! It made me feel sick.)
• Got a sunburn on my shoulders (naturally)
• Went to a parade (above sunburn was from this)
  
• Talked a lot of baby-talk
  
• Tried out a new restaurant
• Ate corn on the cob
  
• Got Rowan tested
• Weighed myself too many times
• Went to the farmer's market
• Drove to the cities
• Tried a new Essential Oil--Lavendar-works great for allergies!
  
• Received my diploma for my masters in the mail
  
• Registered Jackson with the district for SPED services
• Found a new babysitter in the area
  
• Started kids in new daycare
• Went out to an anniversary lunch with the whole family
• Attended a science meeting that infuriated me, but I'm over it already
  
• Seriously considered moving into larger apt. in same building, but opted not to
• Bought a few new things for myself, but nothing major (clutch purse, earrings, a few shirts and new jammies)
  
• Ate a LOT of watermelon
• Made homemade cards for my parent's anniversary and father's day
  
• Swam with the kids several times in the pool
  
• Visited grandma and grandpa a few times
• Went to a movie
  
• Spent some serious time researching good trikes for my little man's 3rd birthday
  
• Visited a friend w/ new baby in the hospital
  
• Went on a picnic with the family
• Watched the Kardashians (my guilty pleasure--I just like the drama, I guess)
  
• Took hundreds of pictures on my camera
• Completed about 97% of my first 3-credit class for the summer (sadly, my goal was to complete 4...not sure if that will happen)
• Spent lots of time snuggling and playing with kids

There are a lot of things that I wish were on this list, but who knows...maybe it'll happen. Thanks for the inspiration TelegaWoman.

Terrified

It's 2:51 a.m.

I am sitting in the rocking chair, holding the sweetest creature God could put on this earth. My baby.

I am silently crying a river of tears. The cold droplets run down my face and trickle down my neck. More than anything I want to just scream the anger and fear that I have been holding and hiding for months now, but I cannot.

I ask and plead with God to "Just make him okay...you have to make him okay." I stifle my last cries and lay him down to sleep.

Soon enough we'll know.

Motivation to frustration

My motivation to change my shape has now shifted to shear frustration. I've been bustin' my butt working out 5-6 times a week and depriving myself of delicious goodness for over a month now for a measly 4 pounds! Are you kidding me? Now I understand why people eat themselves into oblivion; because they tried to lose weight and the fat just laughed in their face! I also see why people resort to surgeries and crazy diet pills. I have to say, I think, no, wait, I KNOW, that I would rather go through another child birth than try to get this stubborn weight off. People always joke about not making the pregnant lady angry, well they should watch out for the dieting lady; she's one hungry bitch.

My baby sister is married

Saturday flew by in a flash...I managed to get some of it on camera. Unfortunately blogger likes to upload my pictures at random, so these don't necessarily go in order. Enjoy!

Joslynn had so much fun dancing the night away.


This is my sister and my dad; a picture that I wish I had. No one took pictures at my reception.


Joslynn certainly lived up her "princess for a day" look.


Joslynn was pretty outgoing and gave the groom a smooch in front of the whole reception.


Jackson fell asleep eating his chicken nuggets. I carried him out to the van and there was drool down my arm. He was pretty wrecked at 6pm. (No nap)


This was one of the best photos from the bride and groom's first dance. No, this wasn't the only part of the first dance, they started with a slow song and then did a remix dance number. It was pretty cool.


One of the many kisses during dinner.


The newlyweds!


This was my favorite--the reverse dip!


Mama and Joslynn all dressed up.


My favorite: Just me and my little man.

Big Ambition

I always start off the summer with big ambitions about all the things I am going to accomplish. I have done this many times and never even came close to completing the lists I would make for myself, so I have decided that I am not going to make a list. I started yesterday and stopped after item number one. I am going to just do what I can and then not be disappointed with myself with whatever I have (or have not) accomplished at the end of summer. This is extremely difficult for me, because I love lists. I love checking things off, however, I also dislike unfinished lists, so we'll see what happens with this years plan.

Hungry

I'm hungry. I think about food from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Why can't diets be easy? Damn you baby-fat!

P.S. My earlier post was probably me just being a bitch because of said hunger.

A life of chaos

I feel like my life is nothing but whining, crying, screaming and nagging. Is there something that I am doing so wrong? Am I such a horrible mom? This constant chaos is driving me fuckin nuts.

Feelin' Blue

I'm just sad and scared. Terrified is more-so the word that is fitting, but I am trying to manage my trepidation in my own mind. I don't want to know about Rowan unless it is good news, yet, I know my mind won't rest until I do know. Jackson has been having a bit of a hard time lately and that just makes me think about it even more.

Not so easy to lose

Did you ever notice how easy it is to lose things like your keys, your phone, or your favorite sweatshirt, or heaven forbid, your purse? The things we fear losing most are the easiest to misplace. On the other hand, the things we want to lose most are the most difficult. I'm talking about weight.

I look in the mirror and think, "Oh, I don't look that bad." But then I try to put some of my clothes on, and after they do not fit I feel a little defeated. So, I've gone on wearing my stretchy clothes all while I have been waiting patiently to start vamping up my workouts. You would think the constant packing of boxes, moving, unpacking of boxes, back and forth, back and forth would be a good workout, right? WRONG! The scale told me, "Nice try!" and scoffed at my weight loss efforts. So, now that that we are pretty much settled in our new apartment, I have been making an effort to get back into my workout routine. I worked out 6 of the 7 days last week (only six because I was tired) and the stupid scale laughed at me again! All the work of exercise and even trying to diet for a measly 2 pounds?!? Needless to say, I was not impressed with my progress. Yes, yes, I know that I just had the baby, but I am still carrying around an extra 20 pounds! When I ran last night, my ankles hurt...I think it was because of the extra weight. That really discouraged me. I have a bridesmaid dress to fit into in less than a month and this poky process is starting to make me nervous and frustrated. Isn't it easier to lose some of the initial weight and then get harder? Come on! I am just annoyed; I know I need to be more vigilant and patient.

Quick Update

So...I only have a little bit before the mini-man is up to eat. Here he is, cute as a button, in his baby papasan chair. Isn't he so cute?


This is my kids' idea of helping us pack.


My mini-man has started smiling...not all the time, but every once in a while and I caught this one on film. Precious!


I just LOVE this little guy. He is so stinkin' cute!

Another year older

Four years ago, Josh and I were in the hospital giving birth to our first child. We were graced with a gorgeous, stubborn, competitive, hilarious and intelligent little girl. Who would think that on her fourth birthday she would already have two little brothers? The past four years has given me many things to love about Joslynn; here are a few:

-She bounces out of bed like Tigger. I don't always have the energy to keep up, but it sure is a nice way to wake up.
-Her facial expressions. They are so funny!
-Her love for her brother(s). Sometimes less love for Jackson, but she really gets protective when she needs to be.

-Her quirky little personality.
-Her memory--it is impeccable.
-Her smile.

-Her cute curls.
-Her everything.

I wish you could stay young and innocent and untainted forever. I love this age where you love me and you love everything in the world and it is all an adventure. Keep your wonderful spirit my dear.


Happy Birthday sweetie!

The birth

For those of you completely uninterested in reading about the birth of my third child, then you can exit this screen right now. I am mainly writing this to account for some of the details that I know I will forget very soon.

On Wednesday, April 13th, 2011 I woke up fairly early out of anticipation of meeting my new little munchkin. I made myself some toast and then went about our normal morning routine of getting dressed, bare essentials for makeup (literally) hair--no, we can skip doing hair today. I was ready before the kids even woke up and I paced around the house trying to straighten things up and make sure that I wasn't forgetting anything before we had to get going. Josh and I dropped off Joslynn and Jackson at daycare, leaving them with the news that they would have a new brother or sister later that day. Joslynn's eyes lit up!

We headed to the hospital and made a pit stop at a gas station so that Josh could get something to drink. After parking, checking in and walking throughout the hospital, we were in our room. I had a nice nurse named Trista. I changed into my gown, had to weigh myself (which was a huge ego boost since the scale said I was 9 pounds lighter than my last checkup! I am convinced that was the correct weight the whole time...at least that is what I am telling myself.) We proceeded with the necessary questions and paperwork. My IV was started and finally at 8:00 the Petosin was started.

Josh and I sat there talking and watching TV while Trista would come in from time to time with new information. At 9:00 my doctor came in to break my water. From here on out, the dilation process was slow. "You're at 3 and a half." "You're at 4." "You're at 4 and a half." This snail-like process had me worried that I would be there all day and into the night!

Trista and I discussed the options of pain control and she was great at explaining all my options. I had not ever had an epidural, so I wanted to know what I was getting into if I traveled that route. You might be asking yourself, "Why WOULDN'T you get an epidural?" (Yes, I read minds.) Well, I have this weird, claustrophobic fear and part of that fear is not being able to move. So, the thought of not being able to move my legs really scared me. However, after the birth of my son, Jackson, and all the ouchy stuff that happened with that, I was willing to consider this new option.

In an attempt to get the dilating ramped up a bit, we decided to go for a little stroll out in the hallway. After getting the mess of cords, and tubes and everything situated, we were on our way. By this time, the contractions were strong enough that I had to stop walking and focus and breathe, but it really felt good to get out of the bed and move. We did one little "lap" and decided to go for another. After 2 laps, we returned and I laid down.

Trista kept having to readjust the baby monitor on my belly to try and hear baby's heart rate. After watching it closely, she needed me to lay on my side so that she could keep close track of what was happening. After monitoring me and baby for a while, she checked me again and I was only at 5 centimeters. 'What? How can I only be at five???' I thought.

At this point, I was willing to try the epidural in hopes that it might speed my dilation. By the time the anesthesiologist got in there, the contractions were now strong enough where I could not talk to anyone, and I just needed to close my eyes, focus and breathe. It took quite a while to get the whole thing set up. When he injected the medicine into my back, I could actually feel it going into my right side. After the epidural was in I was freezing. They wanted me to lay down again, and I snuggled under the covers.

After a while things started to move very fast. The contractions became very strong and I could feel nothing in my right side, but I certainly felt EVERYTHING in my left. This was incredibly uncomfortable and the contractions definitely took over my body because I started shaking uncontrollably. It was like I had hypothermia--I wanted to stop shaking, but I couldn't. I think it was my body's way of dealing with the pain.

We finally got the anesthesiologist back in and we discussed my options. Because of the amount of pain I was in, I opted for him to try to adjust the existing epidural, rather than start all over with a new one. After about 10 minutes, things started to get a little better on the left side and I was so relieved. The contractions were still very strong, but I could breathe easier and I started to feel some pressure...you know, down there.

Trista checked me again and to my complete surprise, she said, you are ready! They called in my doctor and they started to prep for the actual delivery. This was a surreal time. In the few moments of the doctor prepping the bed, more nurses coming in, the leg stirrups, the medical tools...it is like a blur.

My doctor is...how should I say this...borderline eccentric? He is very upbeat and completely competent, but he is a little different. There was a medical student in the room and he was talking to her and trying to explain a few things to her. Then he looks at me and says, "You're ready." It is nice to know that your doctor has confidence in you too because he was telling the med student that she was in the right room to view her first birth because I was a pro.

Then the doc says, "When you feel your next contraction coming you let us know and then you are going to push."

(Deep sigh) "Okay." I say, and I think I nod my head.

"Okay, one is coming." I feel the pressure, I push. The contraction is over. I feel another one, I push...

"Here he is! It's a boy!"

They laid him on my chest and I see my perfect little baby and say "hello" to him over and over because I can't believe he is here. It is instant, unbreakable love.

The new man in my life

I can't believe that over a week has gone by since my new little man was born. Rowan James Stewart is the newest man in my life and he is so wonderful. He loves to snuggle and he listens intently when I talk to him; he literally hangs on every word. I need to cherish that while it lasts! He is just a tiny little peanut; most of his clothes drown his little body. We're working on that.

His sister vies over his every move. She smothers him with kisses and brings him toys and stuffed animals that are too big for him, but it is the cutest gesture. His brother mostly watches from a distance, but will occasionally stop by to hold him or to just peek at what he is up to.

Rowan does all the cute facial expressions in his sleep like the one-sided grin, puckered lips, grumpy face and my personal favorite is the "drunk-on-the-milk" look. If we are comparing him to siblings to show similarities, then he is most like his sister. His eyes are a brighter blue right now and that is how Joslynn's were; Jackson's eyes were almost black with a blue tint to them---his are brown now. Rowan also squirms and grunts like his sister did and nurses like she did too. They both have the crazy "tiger face" as I call it. Rowan has his own distinct qualities though; he has very long fingers, so his hands look enormous. He also has long toes, just like mommy. He had less hair when he was born than either one of the kids, but it is still a nice little dark coating.

Currently, his eyelashes are starting to sprout out. He has been letting me get about 3 hours of sleep at a time at night, which is nice. He doesn't mind the noise that the kids are constantly making; actually, I think it helps him sleep. His cord stub fell off a few days ago, so I will be giving him his first real bath tonight at home. Tomorrow, we plan to venture out to grandma and grandpa's house for Easter.

This is my first time taking a maternity leave, and I have to say, I love it. I think I am especially enjoying it for several reasons: I had a hell of a year leading up to this, and I think since Rowan is our last baby, I am soaking up every minute of baby-time.

Much Easier To Let Go

My honors students made it much easier for me to let go of work today. Up until just recently, I have been having a hard time letting go of work. I know that may sound crazy to some people, but I truly invest (far too much) of my life into my work. I take my job very seriously; I have extremely high standards for myself, and evidently too high for my students. Anyway... I think the part that was making it hard to let go was because I didn't feel ready to go. I wasn't ready. I have never taken a leave before and I hate making up sub plans, so it was hard for me to prepare to be gone. I have since then spent time with my sub, personally discussing what I would do if I were there, getting papers, etc. in order and I am now plenty ready to be done. Mostly, I am so uncomfortable and really excited to meet this little munchkin that I am excited to be done, but I feel that I am leaving prepared to know that I wasn't leaving in a frenzy. As I started off the post, I said that my honors students made it much easier for me to leave, well, I wasn't kidding. I took the time to prepare a survey, 9 questions and a place to leave "constructive" criticism since this was the first year I was teaching honors and wanted some feedback. I can't believe I wasted my time! I was nearly heartbroken after reading some of their responses. I hate those moments when you question your own ability in what you are doing. I know they are just kids and will make excuses and blame anyone for what they don't understand even though I know that I worked my ass off to help them succeed, but it is still hard to hear. I guess I shouldn't take myself so seriously...

On the bright side, in 48 hours, a new little baby will be sitting in my arms and that will be the only thing I can or even want to think about.

I wanna look like this again

I miss wearing more than just black.

I miss having a waistline.

I miss not waddling when I walk.

I miss being able to exercise.

I miss feeling sexy.

I miss my jeans.

I know it is totally selfish and self-centered of me, but I miss the non-pregnant me.

I wanna look like this again.

Productive Day

This morning we cleaned like crazy for our 6th showing on the house. The house was listed on the 1st of the month. Tomorrow we have our second open house and on Wednesday, we have our 7th showing scheduled. After cleaning, I was off to class and Josh was off to grandma and grandpa's house with the kiddos.

After class, I went to Target and spent a lot of money, but I picked up some essentials, some gifts for the kids for Easter and even some baby prep items. I then ventured off to Great Harvest Bread Company for some deliciously fresh baked bread. (No wonder I am the size of a house--I love bread soooo much!)

By the time I got home it was about 1:30. At this time I unloaded the Tribute, which took about 4 trips with all of my school bags and purchases. I unloaded said purchases, switched the laundry, made a sandwich and sat down on the couch and started watching part of a movie. This was my break from the two papers I had already written previously this morning. By the way, the windows were open the whole time and it was lovely. After procrastinating by finishing my movie, I knocked out five more papers before dinner. For breaks in between papers, I would do little things like water the plants or check facebook and I also dug out a "baby bag" to start packing someday soon. After feeling a little burned out of writing reflective papers, I heated up some leftovers (pizza--yet another reason I am the size of a house) and then made a loaf of banana bread (yep--third reason in this post for body and baby size).

My banana bread was smelling heavenly when I cut up some strawberries, and just about the time I put them in the frig my babies arrived home. We talked about their days and played a little bit, then we finally got in the bathroom for tubbies once they each had some jelly beans out of the new Easter dish I found at Target today. We scrubbed and soaked and got all pruny, got lotioned up and dressed, then we were off to do Jackson's stretches. Two bedtime stories, a little rocking-chair time and hugs and kisses sent the munchkins to bed.

At this point I unpacked some stuff from my breast pump and decided to sterilize the tubing and bottles, lids, etc...those are currently air drying on the counter. I wrapped a birthday present for my nieces birthday party that is tomorrow at my brothers and this is where I am at. I have two loads of laundry sitting on my bed, waiting to be folded...after that, I think I am done. It has been a very productive day.

A new list is easier...

Okay, revising my list was getting more confusing by the minute, so we'll do an end-of-the-week update.

1. I am DONE, yes, I said DONE with my paper! I have small revisions to do once my professor sends it back, but the major amount of man-hours have been invested and it is finally in the last stages. Yeah! I think I would do a cart-wheel right now if I didn't have a watermelon in my stomach.

2. I have not done a single paper for my Reflection class, nor am I upset by that at all. I was able to cross off the most important priority from my to-do list and I will squeeze them in somehow, I always do.

3. We are set for our 2nd interview with the other daycare tonight. I really want this whole process to be done so that we can start to plan ahead. We may even start to transition the kids into the new daycare this summer if it works out with the one that we chose.

4. The blood tests match the kids' skin test results. It looks like Jackson is allergic to neither peanuts nor eggs, (Yea!) so we will be doing a "food challenge" for each in the next month and half. Joslynn is still allergic to eggs, but the allergist thinks that for ease of living we will do the challenge with her too so that we know if she can at least eat eggs in baked goods, etc. Phewww! I am excited with the results and we will only learn more with the upcoming appointments.

5. Oh, yeah, the Honors essay tests I need to grade. Uhm...let's just say, I'm workin' on it. I think I have graded like 8 or so. That doesn't really even make a dent, but maybe this weekend???

6. I spent 4 very unwanted, but incredibly necessary hours at school yesterday morning. I printed off countless papers and have a huge chunk of my next school-month planned out. I have just a few little things to take care of and I am set!

7. Maternity Leave Letter is written, proof-read and printed! Ready to go!

8. I have two major phone calls to make with questions about more therapy for Jackson. One should be taken care of today, the other I can take care of in person at school.

9. Okay, poor baby...we are going to find you some clothes here soon. I am literally going to go and start sorting as soon as this post is published!

10. Pedicure...you've never sounded so good! I can't wait for tomorrow!

Lists are the trend (revised 3/9/11)

Since reading several other blogs that contain Spring Break To-Do Lists, I think that I probably need to organize my thoughts a bit and do the same. I am typically more inclined to follow through once I have written it down.

1. I need to start and finish (or as close as humanly possible) my action research paper. As of now, I have 52 pages of paper written; that is just the first part. Now, I need to actually discuss my results and interpret them and blah, blah, blah. I think I have not only been procrastinating on this because of everything going on, but also because I was so disappointed that my research was nearly obliterated by the clickers that were so moody and decided to work and not work at inopportune times. I have started, now I just need to finish...my goal is no later than Friday to have this thing in the bag... I have one section left (rough draft) and I am waiting to hear feedback on the rest, but then I am done with the exception of small little revisions etc. My goal has now shifted to being 100% done with my rough draft by Thursday at noon. (I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!)

2. Reflect on my masters degree. I need to write as many of my 10 totally ridiculous and pointless papers that will go into my (also) worthless e-folio that no one will ever look at and will only collect cyber-dust. Can you tell I am super excited to cross this one off my list?

3. Interview with 2 1 daycare(s). I have meetings set up with them already. I also need to do some more research and calling about a few other potential options. The first interview went very well. I think we feel better already knowing that we have one very good option.

4. Take the kids to the allergist. We have been wondering for a while if the kids still have their egg allergy, and we would also like to see someone else, so we are having them retested. Skin test results: Jackson is allergic to kitties. Joslynn is still allergic to eggs. We did a blood test to look a little further because evidently skin tests have a 50% chance of showing false positives...Hhmf. We will know more later in the week, but I am hopeful that we can eliminate some allergies here.

5. Grade 61 honors science essay tests. Kat--you are so stupid, yet you challenge your students to think critically at the same time. It's never a nice balance.

6. Plan the details for my next unit: weather. I will start this the day we return from break and I have no copies made, so you know what that means...I have to go to school sometime. I really don't want to, but I have a huge mess in my room and really need to sort through stuff here soon. I think this is going to be my Thursday morning task...

7. Write a letter to my students' parents about my maternity leave. I really don't know how to start off or what to say, but I think that many, especially kids with disabilities and/or the honors students' parents will appreciate a "heads up" about the fact that their teacher will be missing close to a quarter of teaching their child. DONE! and proofread, thank you Holly.

8. Make some more insurance & therapy type phone calls. We need to look into some alternative therapies for Jackson. On the docket, horseback riding and swimming... Just need to ask some more questions at PT today and then talk to a friend from work about swimming...Becky- I mean you.

9. Dig out the teeny-tiny baby clothes. I need to wash them and find somewhere in this tiny little house to put more kids' clothes, diapers, wipes, blankies, etc, etc, etc. Tiny little diapers are put away...I still need to dig out the clothes though. That is on the list for tonight. The clothes are out...now the sorting, and washing process. I think I might do that now to take a break from my paper while I wait for feedback.

10. My final thing to do on my list is meet my good friend for a pedicure. Both of our husbands got us gift certificates to DayLily for Valentines. We will put them to good use. My feet look horrendous; I hope I don't traumatize the poor schmuck who gets stuck working on my feet next Saturday.

I have only listed 10 things here, although it feels like a thousand! Wish me luck and hope for no writers-block!

Names

Josh and I have always kept our baby names somewhat secret because, for one, we didn't want others passing judgement, and two, we just didn't tell because we didn't feel like it. Well, for baby number three, things get a little more challenging in the name department, as I hope you can imagine. (Especially since we are both teachers, and also since we have come up with two other kids' names thus far.) It gets harder as you go along.

We have four names picked out. Two girl names and two boy names. We have been tossing these name ideas back and forth for quite some time and we are having a hard time narrowing it down. I jokingly suggested that I should blog about it and see what my "readers" think. Since only a handful of people actually read this, we hope to get a little input on our impending name decision.

If you would be so kind, please vote for ONE boy name, and ONE girl name. If you have any specific suggestions, you know where to find me.

Beware: Angry, bitter tirade follows

Writing has been my way to relieve stress for as long as I can remember, that, and running, but since I can hardly waddle myself along, I think the running is out of the question, which makes this post even more of a necessity for my own sanity. If you are not in the mood to be brought down by my tirade, then please, exit out of this screen right now, because I can assure you, I have nothing positive to say right now.

The past month of my life has been the most trying ever. It seems like it is just one thing after the other. I thought life was busy enough being a mom of two, who works full time while pursuing a second degree, but then when you throw in things like being uncomfortably pregnant, trying to sell a house, preparing for maternity leave, and doing most of this as a "single mom" isn't easy when your husband is not home many nights and weekends. Juggling kids' appointments and my own were challenging enough and then came Jackson's diagnosis. I think I was slightly in denial, but I never expected something so huge. With that news has come so much emotion and fear and uncertainty; I hate that.

To top things off, my body has decided to be uncooperative and give me blood clots in my leg, springing on extra trips to the doctor. Now, with the fact that I am a "genetic mutation carrier" I am evidently at risk for cardiomyopathy, which is a heart condition; I now need to be screened with an echocardiogram and an EKG ever year/ or few years. I am already starting to feel like a lab rat. Just when you are stupid enough to think that you can't take any more stress, your daycare tells you that they do not have a place for your new baby in the fall. This leaves us with two options. Option 1: Find a completely new daycare for all three children--yeah, good luck with that! Option 2: Find a place for new baby alone and have to split the kids up between two daycares, meaning they won't see each other and play together during the first year of new baby's life. That makes me really sad for all of them.

During all of this, I am evidently supposed to be keeping up on the 9 papers that are due in about a month for my one class that is completely worthless and a total waste of my time and money, and I am supposed to be finishing my action research paper and adding onto my, already 50+ page paper, in order to graduate on time, which I am dead set on doing. I just have no idea how I will accomplish this. I am so distracted that I can't focus on the things that I need to.

Instead of sitting down to do some necessary school writing, I am looking into daycares, calling insurance companies, signing up for research sites, scheduling doctor appointments, researching therapy treatments, signing up for cord blood (stem cell) kits and information, cleaning the house and taking "sell worthy pictures" and searching for the best mobility devices that I can. Somehow I still need to manage to stay caught up with my planning and grading and all my every day job duties. I have to juggle my teacher hat, student hat, mom and wife hat and somehow make it all come together. I could really use spring break right now.

Scrub-a-dub-dub, two munchkins in the tub

The munchkins like to help hold each other while they get their hair washed. Tonight's pics were especially cute.

Black Teeth

Are these not the cutest kids with black teeth that you've ever seen? It's amazing how funny Oreos can be.

More of a cute thing

I uploaded some pictures of Jackson the other day because they were super cute, yet the only ones I had figured out how to upload from my new camera to computer at the time. Since then I have figured it out and felt bad that I didn't show how cute Joslynn is too. So, here are some of both of them on New Year's Eve.

My new toy

Just before the new year, we made a pretty hefty purchase on a new camera. We wanted to find something that would take clearer, faster pictures. I have always had a love of photography and love to dabble with it, but, of course, you need a decent camera for the pictures to have the effect that does them any justice. So, my new toy is a Canon EOS Rebel Ti1. So far, I love it. I am still relearning how to use a "real" camera. I have been playing with the settings and taking different pictures of the kids since it is way too cold for me to go outside. Tonight was the first night I actually uploaded any to the computer.

Jackson is always the more photogenic of the two rascals, so here are a few shots of my little man.